I had to fall apart, it was necessary.
For too long I had tried to keep it together, to be together. Even if it meant suffocating whilst pretending like everything that had taken place did not rip my little heart out and I’d always have to wonder what life would have been like if my dad had done a full reflection on how the decision he would end up making would affect everyone else, including himself. Maybe even if not including my mother, but at least reflecting – from my perspective of things – on how his decision would affect the rest of my life. The only existence I would end up remembering. The sacrifices my mother would then have to make for us, primarily for me. I spent my entire life watching my mom hold it together yet similar to Amahle’s mother, existing with “torment” in her eyes and the older I grew the more I picked up on how she continued to exist and making decisions from a survival instinct and not even the peace we have come to know calming her soul of the terror. I subconsciously became what I needed, in mannerisms and in what I worked towards achieving , hyper-independence and a success no one could take from me. This, however, led me to not having an existence which correlated with my core values. Valuing family and relationships, yet navigating life detached and alone. I guess I was also navigating life from a survival instinct, but mine being the level my mother could not focus on because she had to focus on our foundation and I had the privilege of focusing on the building. I had to fall apart, completely, as much as I had fought it because my programming no longer spoke to the life that the part of me which was not concerned about surviving wanted. I had to fall apart and feel all the pain, hurt and anger I felt were not necessary, when life itself was falling apart. It looked like falling apart, it felt like falling apart – but I now know it was simply releasing all that no longer had room in order for the reprogramming to take place. The programming that now aligns with the core of my being. An existence that would feel complete regardless of how it looked.
Still settling into this new programming (it’s hard because of muscle memory) and on the journey of walking with my father through him forgiving himself and finding peace within himself and he may of not apologised for the damage his decisions caused to my entire life, as it all fell apart when I was around 4, but his actions have been those of remorse. I can’t wait to see my mom no longer existing like she is still fighting for our lives. I can’t wait to see her exhale and for her heart and soul to know that the peace we have grown to find can not be removed by anyone.