Pour Out Wall

I had to fall apart, it was necessary.
For too long I had tried to keep it together, to be together. Even if it meant suffocating whilst pretending like everything that had taken place did not rip my little heart out and I’d always have to wonder what life would have been like if my dad had done a full reflection on how the decision he would end up making would affect everyone else, including himself. Maybe even if not including my mother, but at least reflecting – from my perspective of things – on how his decision would affect the rest of my life. The only existence I would end up remembering. The sacrifices my mother would then have to make for us, primarily for me. I spent my entire life watching my mom hold it together yet similar to Amahle’s mother, existing with “torment” in her eyes and the older I grew the more I picked up on how she continued to exist and making decisions from a survival instinct and not even the peace we have come to know calming her soul of the terror. I subconsciously became what I needed, in mannerisms and in what I worked towards achieving , hyper-independence and a success no one could take from me. This, however, led me to not having an existence which correlated with my core values. Valuing family and relationships, yet navigating life detached and alone. I guess I was also navigating life from a survival instinct, but mine being the level my mother could not focus on because she had to focus on our foundation and I had the privilege of focusing on the building. I had to fall apart, completely, as much as I had fought it because my programming no longer spoke to the life that the part of me which was not concerned about surviving wanted. I had to fall apart and feel all the pain, hurt and anger I felt were not necessary, when life itself was falling apart. It looked like falling apart, it felt like falling apart – but I now know it was simply releasing all that no longer had room in order for the reprogramming to take place. The programming that now aligns with the core of my being. An existence that would feel complete regardless of how it looked.
Still settling into this new programming (it’s hard because of muscle memory) and on the journey of walking with my father through him forgiving himself and finding peace within himself and he may of not apologised for the damage his decisions caused to my entire life, as it all fell apart when I was around 4, but his actions have been those of remorse. I can’t wait to see my mom no longer existing like she is still fighting for our lives. I can’t wait to see her exhale and for her heart and soul to know that the peace we have grown to find can not be removed by anyone.

A daughter should never have to beg her father for a relationship.
I have struggled with daddy issues since I was a little girl. For those who have read the book – my story is very similar to Amahle’s.
Here’s what my dad did not understand, there were casualties when mom and him got divorced and I happened to be one of them. During the process, a lot of traumatic things happened – I felt as though I was going to lose my mother – the one person who tried to make sure that I was okay (thankfully I didn’t) and post-divorce, I was abandoned, not just by a man who lived 2 minutes away – but by his entire family. I lost my sense of belonging and I was completely erased from the place I once called home. The place he insisted was still my home.
And sadly, the little girl he abandoned loved him so much. She searched for him in everything, she still does. She held onto the purple shirt and white skirt he once bought for her from woollies (in all the years that I have been his daughter – these are the only items of clothing I remember that were purchased by my dad and the day he bought them, I was so happy – I felt seen, but as our story goes – that feeling didn’t last long and neither did the hope that came with it).
A lot of my hurt feelings have to do with the fact that he was never there and sadly, I always found a way to blame myself for it (maybe I wasn’t good enough bc he seemed to be doing the whole dad thing with my siblings) – I brought this up with him many times, and it was always a cycle where he would apologise, promise to do better – instil some hope in his little girl only for him to abandon her again. And it hurt a little more – each time.
Why this is titled liberated –
Daddy Issues gave me a voice. When I brought up my hurt feelings with him in the past – I censored myself and never truly expressed how deeply hurt I am.
I bought him the book. I asked him to read the first chapter and wrote him a letter to explain in detail where the hurt, anger and disappointment stems from. I poured out and felt a lot lighter – I did this to close the chapter of hurt so that I can enter a new chapter – one filled with healing, and I hope it will be glorious.
And for the first time – I received a genuine apology . I first read it with so much anger so it took some time to see it for what it is. So here we are – finally healing through it.

Growing up I saw my mother do everything as if she was a single parent and I never understood why my father didn’t do more, even though he was right there in the house. I realized that I’ve been carrying my mother’s frustration and pain and it has lead me to feel like I’m responsible for her well-being and happiness over my own. Even though she doesn’t expect this, I can’t help but want better for her because she truly deserves it. The worst part is how in denial our fathers are to how their actions affect us in the short and long term. However, I’ve made peace with the fact that I cannot change how my father thinks and behaves so I’ve let go of my expectations from him and have accepted him for who he is. This has helped me to have my own peace of mind and move on with my life with grace.

My father or should I say the person who impregnated my mother and bolted! let’s call him “J”. J has never been in my life per say, although we lived in the same neighbourhood. I would occasionally bump into him, and I remember he would embrace me in front of his lil friends as though we had some kind of relationship. Somehow that used to make happy, I figured I also had a father or at least I knew of him and he of me. But as I grew older, and his absence vehemently felt than ever before, I found myself longing for his presence but also not really wanting to care because why was I even thinking of him when clearly did not give a damn. I gradually let go of the thought of him and wanting his presence, I guess I realized it was a fruitless activity and it was not my place to initiate a relationship with him, he is the parent. I, however, did not realize that I had subconsciously not let go, I still held onto that longing, but this would take me centuries to discover. hmmmm kubi kubad!!!! Life went by and I got into a long-term relationship that was leading nowhere really. I started dating this guy in my teens (18years) and for the longest time the relationship was just stagnant. I had not thought of daddy issues as something I would have, I mean how could I? I don’t care about J, he is nothing to me, I have no feelings of affection for this man (so I thought). I even used to say that I would not go to his funeral should he ever die, granted I still feel the same way. I just never realized just how much his absence affected my life. I never realized that the reason why I stayed in this long ass relationship that was going nowhere was because more than anything, I needed male presence in my life. I felt like I could not do a lot of things without him, sheesh I couldn’t simply live. He was basically playing my daddy. Our relationship never made sense and I was very well aware of this fact, I knew I need to leave but I just never did. why? I wondered so many times. I cannot take away the number of things I learnt from the relationship, but it was toxic in there. But somehow, I never left. It was only until I got to reading other people’s stories that I had the realization and started linking my relationship situation to my subconsciously tucked away daddy issues. I definitely had daddy issues and I wasn’t aware of it. And because of not being able to identify the root issue for so long, I couldn’t move forward i.e. I couldn’t see that my then boyfriend was basically acting the role of my father and why I just did not have it in me to leave for a better relationship and most importantly for myself. hmmmm as I reflected back trying to understand the why, njani!!! I knew I needed to free myself from the toxicity. Left the relationship and went into a mini depression but nonetheless I freed myself by leaving…. I freed myself by acknowledging that I have daddy issues…..freed myself by not being embarrassed to talk about it…. freed myself by accepting that none of it was my fault…..freed myself by re-learning myself ….. freed myself by accepting that it is a journey and taking a few steps is progress nonetheless. We contine to reflect, evaluate, change and live as best as we can