My father or should I say the person who impregnated my mother and bolted! let’s call him “J”. J has never been in my life per say, although we lived in the same neighbourhood. I would occasionally bump into him, and I remember he would embrace me in front of his lil friends as though we had some kind of relationship. Somehow that used to make happy, I figured I also had a father or at least I knew of him and he of me. But as I grew older, and his absence vehemently felt than ever before, I found myself longing for his presence but also not really wanting to care because why was I even thinking of him when clearly did not give a damn. I gradually let go of the thought of him and wanting his presence, I guess I realized it was a fruitless activity and it was not my place to initiate a relationship with him, he is the parent. I, however, did not realize that I had subconsciously not let go, I still held onto that longing, but this would take me centuries to discover. hmmmm kubi kubad!!!! Life went by and I got into a long-term relationship that was leading nowhere really. I started dating this guy in my teens (18years) and for the longest time the relationship was just stagnant. I had not thought of daddy issues as something I would have, I mean how could I? I don’t care about J, he is nothing to me, I have no feelings of affection for this man (so I thought). I even used to say that I would not go to his funeral should he ever die, granted I still feel the same way. I just never realized just how much his absence affected my life. I never realized that the reason why I stayed in this long ass relationship that was going nowhere was because more than anything, I needed male presence in my life. I felt like I could not do a lot of things without him, sheesh I couldn’t simply live. He was basically playing my daddy. Our relationship never made sense and I was very well aware of this fact, I knew I need to leave but I just never did. why? I wondered so many times. I cannot take away the number of things I learnt from the relationship, but it was toxic in there. But somehow, I never left. It was only until I got to reading other people’s stories that I had the realization and started linking my relationship situation to my subconsciously tucked away daddy issues. I definitely had daddy issues and I wasn’t aware of it. And because of not being able to identify the root issue for so long, I couldn’t move forward i.e. I couldn’t see that my then boyfriend was basically acting the role of my father and why I just did not have it in me to leave for a better relationship and most importantly for myself. hmmmm as I reflected back trying to understand the why, njani!!! I knew I needed to free myself from the toxicity. Left the relationship and went into a mini depression but nonetheless I freed myself by leaving…. I freed myself by acknowledging that I have daddy issues…..freed myself by not being embarrassed to talk about it…. freed myself by accepting that none of it was my fault…..freed myself by re-learning myself ….. freed myself by accepting that it is a journey and taking a few steps is progress nonetheless. We contine to reflect, evaluate, change and live as best as we can